I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
