random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
