I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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