Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
