Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
