3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I am available for nakedness
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
