Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
