just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
