Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
