I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
