I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
