its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
