I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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