I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
