how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
