Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
