My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
