just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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