finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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