I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
