haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Randomize
