# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
