Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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