My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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