new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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