last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
