That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
