Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
