He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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