this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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