Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
