i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
