May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
