Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
