are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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