my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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