she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
