Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
