you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
