Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
