Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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