Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
