I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
