i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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