some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
