can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
