We won't sleep together?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
