He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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