I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You were trust falling into bushes
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
