I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
