One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
