So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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