Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
